Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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