dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
