I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
