I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
