saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
