I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
