I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
