like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My life is pants optional.
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