I smell stomach acid.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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