Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
there is glitter all over my balls
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
