i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
