I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
tell me about the fingering
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