Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
