i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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