Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
