i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
