So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
