Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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