I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
