You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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