My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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