I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
