Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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