omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
