I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
