I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
