i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Dicks are not precious.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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