this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize