I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
