Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i've created a new STD.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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