I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
