Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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