my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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