I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
