Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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