i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
