In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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