he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
we're so committed to being not committed
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
