I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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