she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
