why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
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