wrigley field is MILF paradise
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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