I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
