i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
