I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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