Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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