My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
