nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
