Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
