I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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