it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
