How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
