either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
