Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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