my being single is dangerous.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Randomize
