I accidentally burped into my bong.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
