I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
