I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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