i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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