I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
