angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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