Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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