Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
